After seeing Les Mis

Me: Daddy, you're my Jean Valjean.

Dad: Yes, now I just need to marry you off so I can die. 

Snippets

Oh to be a waiter and overhear my family's dinner conversations out of context:

“Yeah he was supposed to lead me around customs but he forgot. Guess my career smuggling alcohol into Muslim countries ended early.” (For the record, wasn't me).

“There was a momma bear and her two cubs walking up the river. I don’t remember where you kids were.” 

          “Wearing bear suits and playing in the river."

“So how did you attach the detector to the robotic arm?”  

"When you're watching glacier videos on youtube, you've got to be prepared to wait. I started one three years ago and still haven't seen it move."

“I bet that trucker was glad to get us out of his cab after a couple miles. Lucky for him that mom didn’t drive off while she could."    

          "You didn't all get in the truck. I still had one." 

“I had long hair and a big red beard so I at least looked sympathetic.” 

“Remember that slime mold you had growing in the kitchen? You used to feed it oatmeal every day.”

"And this coming from the woman who smacked a black bear in the nose with a copy of the Knoxville News Sentinal."

• "All I want is to pack up my truck and drive the trailer into the middle of the Yukon and watch TV." 

•           "You'll need satellite." 

•           "I'm coming with you and I'm packin' a pistol."